Moving on is complicated.

How do you know when it’s completely over? Is it when the relationship ends? Is it after you get rid of all the gifts and reminders of him? Is it when you get over the urge to text him? When you stop wondering how he’s doing? Is it the day that you can sincerely wish him the best? Or is it when you stop caring completely?

Personally, I’m not sure. I’ve heard different things. I’ve been told to hate him. I’ve been told to simply forget him. And, of course, the ever famous, the best way to over someone is to get under someone else. The stage of a break up are shock, denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally, acceptance. Where am I? I’m not sure. Our break up was kind of a series; we broke up last semester during his study abroad a trip. However, that was more of a break. When he returned, we … well, not dated again. It was … an unlabeled something, sort of dating, but also sort of not. And then the something was over. The first break up hurt. A lot. Like a soccer ball to the gut, I can’t breathe, oh-my-gosh-please-make-it-stop. And the first round didn’t end too badly, talking to him made it better, and… we decided to try the relationship again. But it wasn’t anywhere near the same. It wasn’t about us. It wasn’t about compromise. It was battle about who could get their way. And he played dirty. You see, during the arguments we had, he would point out my flaws. And it hurt. A lot. It really sucks when someone who you care for picks on your weaknesses. To keep the peace (and the relationship), I was the one who caved on things. But it still wasn’t enough. And break up round two happened.

This break up was different. It wasn’t the same heartbroken pain. It was more of an ego crush. I was wrong; I couldn’t save the relationship and make it work. What if it was all my fault? What if I was the problem? Do I need to change my entire personality? Do I just give up and start collecting cats now? And the million dollar question: what if he was right? About everything he said? What if I really am unlovable?

I’ve been told I’m a bit conceited. However, I can assure you that this is not true; my ego is completely proportionate to how awesome I am. But sometimes I still wonder about myself. And I still get mad at myself about this relationship, about how I let him treat me, about how I let him treat my friends, and about how I believed him. And it makes me question who I am and what will happen in future relationships. This time I know there is no going back; this relationship is dead. Despite that I honestly wish him the best in life and that he finds happiness. Because currently, on the path he’s on, I doubt he will find it. And everyone deserves happiness. Especially me. And you. So cheer up. Better days are ahead. I promise.

xoxo,
Callie ⭐

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